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WORD UP YO [21 Apr 2005|11:24am]
[ mood | amused ]

been a while ...fuck. Hahah..well, I was just going over my last post and I can't stop laughing. To think, I put so much thought and heart into that...Well, the end result of that last entry is this.. I haven't heard from either of them since December and I have No intentions of ever speaking to either Again. I found out they're still together and they got in a car wreck and almost died? Karma? well, it's a bitch. haha. My ex- also by the way had mono and almost died from other things that she has had wrong with her for whatever reason.. wow. I am so past that entry and those people it's not even funny. But, I can't help but laugh.

As for my life now, it's much more simple yet filled with more life and substance than it has in a while.
If you want to check up on me time to time, I have been and will most likely continue to be using MYSPACE.... my direct Url is as follows: http://www.myspace.com/meccassault that's meccassault bitches. hold my drink Rick James in the house. haha

If any of you are on there, check my page and add me - I'd love to hear from you.

Name:Daniel Anthony Mecca
Birthplace:Jersey boy bitches!
Current Location:Indianapolis
Eye Color:Blue
Hair Color:Drk Brwn
Height:5' 11"
Right Handed or Left Handed:Ambidextrous - dominantly left though.
Your Heritage:Italian / Irish
The Shoes You Wore Today:GBX
Your Weakness:too nice at times, or too mean hahah
Your Fears:Suffocating. Loosing my teeth
Your Perfect Pizza:Cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:(1.Get Dystalis signed (2.go on tour
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:Motherfucker - shit - anything bad i guess
Thoughts First Waking Up:damn I'm horny and bored...already? damn
Your Best Physical Feature:Eyes, 6pack
Your Bedtime:whenever my eyes let me sleep
Your Most Missed Memory:Walking to Wawa with Tom and friends...you'd have to be there.
Pepsi or Coke:Sprite...that's a coca cola company drink so there.
MacDonalds or Burger King:Neither, but Burger King if I had to.
Single or Group Dates:Does it matter? I'll get mine. haha
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:Both are good to me
Chocolate or Vanilla:Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:Neither
Do you Smoke:nope
Do you Swear:Yeah
Do you Sing:Yeah
Do you Shower Daily:Yeah
Have you Been in Love:Unfortunetly ...hah
Do you want to go to College:Did that
Do you want to get Married:Some day ...maybe
Do you belive in yourself:At times
Do you get Motion Sickness:not often..why want to go on a roller coaster?!
Do you think you are Attractive:at times yeah
Are you a Health Freak:for the most part I try to be.
Do you get along with your Parents:My mom not as much as I'd like anymore- Dad yes but he lives in NJ and never been a father figure.
Do you like Thunderstorms:When I'm in the mood for them yep
Do you play an Instrument:Vocals, Guitar, bass, Electronic
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:Yeah
In the past month have you Smoked:nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:this month ...no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:yeah
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no...damn , I should though, sounds good
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:yuck
In the past month have you been on Stage:yeah, actually
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:it's just now warming up damn
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:redundant
Ever been called a Tease:haha yeah
Ever been Beaten up:fuck that- no
Ever Shoplifted:no
How do you want to Die:I don't want to
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Tour Manager/Producer - fuck all kinds of media shit...
What country would you most like to Visit:Italy or Australia
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:whatever
Favourite Hair Color:whatever
Short or Long Hair:if it's not falling out..don't care
Height:no big foot
Weight:take care of yourself
Best Clothing Style:whatever
Number of Drugs I have taken:don't do drugs.
Number of CDs I own:shit, I have to count? fuck that
Number of Piercings:6
Number of Tattoos:none yet.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:Regret is for people who can't move on. I'm stronger than that.

1 comment|post comment

how could they do this to me..... [23 Dec 2004|02:27am]
[ mood | numb ]

this is a shitty / fucked up entry about pure betrayal ...it will be long and its interesting so if you want - actually id really appreciate it if you read this and took some serious thought into it and let me know what you think , and what i should do because this is extremely serious....i have nowhere to go and no one to turn to... this is so pathetic but here it goes.

this is about my "bestfriend" and my "girlfriend"...get your attention? yeah im sure you see where this is going..this only goes downhill from here.

well, my so called friend nick....we were bestfriends for the past 4 years....did everything together, concerts, movies, chill, whatever.... now, when i have a close friend, i tend to do everything in my power to let them know im there for them and will always be there....well, i needed some help and i stayed at his house throughout this summer ...now this was really great of him and his family to help out, and all that....i am greatful for it more than words. well, that aside...i moved out got my new apartment in early november.

He helped move me in, and we were still bestfriends at this point...and this would be a month ago at this time. we were hanging out like usual and no fights of any kind, then he just stopped coming over...stopped calling... heres where it goes bad...

My g/f , billi...yes billi. She was friends with both of us before i got involved with her... not close friends to either but we hung out time to time in the summer... Me and her got involved in October, and it felt perfect from the first night until nick just randomly dissapeared.

we were together every day, no fights, happy, laughed, enjoyed each others company yada yada...well, we fell for each other...or did we.

the more time that past that nick wasnt around, the more i got suspicious...i have a gut instinct about cheating i guess,..He was hanging out with my g/f more and more throughout this whole month- and I have yet to see him since he dissapeared...wait, but hes still hanging out with her all the time....while im at WORK. ?!?!!!

now, thats when it started to get bad. I stated it wasnt right for him to be around her so damn much and mainly b/c i wasnt there and moreso because he had been acting fucking shady and not calling me or anything....

one thing led to another and last week is where shit hit the fan.

Everything was fine....granted we had been arguing time to time about the fact that im stubborn and im moody ...(yeah, i admit that) but its in reaction to things that i have to put up with , and she didnt seem to grasp that one bit of course.. ive been hurt by woman so many times... im pretty much an empty person trying to get the feeling of love back in my heart...i need it so bad right now, and i was so stubborn and all that shit due to the fact that my guard was up....i mean , damn i can only take being hurt so much....

Well, she promised me that she was the most faithful, loyal person id ever meet and she would never hurt me - especially knowing what ive gone through...


this past week i was attempting to make the extra effort to make things progress and make us closer by doing little things i do to show i care...and things were patching up and i drove her home one morning nothing was wrong, we had talked for hours and i was letting her know i was there for her and all that shit....then, i dont hear anything from her for 3 days. so i get ahold of her finally, and shes in Kentucky? of all places.... on the 14th it was nicks birthday....this would be the same time they were in kentucky...without me...while im ...at work. them and a few other ppl i dont know , decided to randomly go to lexington to some strip club and i wouldve never known if i didnt call.... she called me back after i called earlier that night and nothing...she called to let me know "she wasnt blowing me off and that she didnt forget me"....well heres the thing.... it was nicks fucking birthday, and he has her with him in another state at a strip club with no intentions of inviting me, or even me knowing....in fact, i wouldnt be suprised if he was going to try to hide it...i hadnt talked to him eve yet at this point....well, the next day, i have to work again till midnight....he calls my cell and leaves a stupid message all joking around as if nothing has happened, and as if the motherfucker hasnt been avoiding me for 3 weeks while being with my g/f....

I immediately call him back, and i ask him straight out..."what the hell is going on...why have you been gone for almost a month , and why the fuck are you always with my g/f when i have to work...what the fuck is your problem with me".......he then claims he had gotten a new job and was working all the time, and had only seen my g/f 2-3 times in this whole time...which is bullshit b/c everytime i talked to her, she either talked to him or was with him at some point....then i was like "well, how come she said shes been hanging out with you"....he denies being with her as much...and then says "man, come on, i wouldnt dissapear and i wouldnt do that to you...you know better than that"...

oh....you have no idea, the fucked up things i want to do to this guy.

well, i then dont hear from her until this past saturday which would be the 18th....she promised shed call when they got back to indy...yeah, fucking 4 days later, i call and FINALLY get ahold of her.....she is shitty with me and tells me we need to talk and that she thought we were done b/c we hadnt talked since that night she was in kentucky... wait...WHAT? !?!!? that automatically means were broken up? wtf? no sense at all... not to mention, i fucking called a millions times from then to the time we finally talked....

now...2 days ago.... she comes to my apartment after stopping at my work....apologizes for eveything.....well, heres the thing...when she comes to my work as im closing down... she tells me during the time we hadnt talked, that nick confessed his feelings for her and was bugging her to kiss him and shit...she claimed she said no, its not like her , and it was wrong ..... well, then she tells me he tells her all the things she wanted to ever hear and have....all this fucking manipulative bullshit.... and then i asked "what did you do....did you kiss him ..." and she said they kissed once...i about fucking lossed it at work in front of the store and wouldve lost my job...i somehow maintained myself...and she said she come by later and talk...

she gets there and like i said, she was apologizing, saying how much she was sorry, and how wrong it was...if i hated her she knew she deserved it, and all this shit..how much she cares for me and she was confused, thought we werent together....all that bullcrap.

well, okay.. i could even get that...but , NICK was my BESTFRIEND...not some fucking random guy i know nothing of...this kid i wouldve died for in a heartbeat with no second thought. none.

so you can imagine the hurt and betrayal i feel... this kid knows how much shit ive been through let alone with girls in the past...and then he does this...turns out he told her "i dont care who i have to hurt, or who i lose as a friend as long as i can be with you..." well, she tells me she was going to tell him she wants nothing to do with him like that and that theresn othing going to happen with him, and she wanted to be with me and try to fix what she fucked up.....since im a fucking moron and care too much about her, i think she genuinely means that....theres so much more that went on and was said but i can only type so much...well she was at my place 2 nights ago.... i call her today while at chilis eating with josh and wren...well, first lets rewind ...as im coming into chilis - lesli...a mutual friend of nick and i is a hostess there....well, she has no idea whats going on right...well, she tells me she was pissed at nick because of something irrelavent to this and he said he was going to billi's.....well, lastnight, i called her house and her mother said she wasnt home and she wasnt with jamie....theres only one other person other than me shed be with....nick....

so im at chilis, i find that out by accident, and i call her right away, and i ask her straight out- "where were you lastnight...i havent heard from you since you come over and you promised youd never just not call or anything like this and you are nowhere to be found..." she said "i was at a playing pool"...i said "were you with nick...." silence... "WERE YOU WITH NICK....!?!?! " and she said , "yeah, and a bunch of other ppl".....i lose it...i have tears puring out of my face, im losing my mind while the waitress is taking orders, and i cant talk straight.....i felt so sick to my stomach i ran to the bathroom a threw up while on the phone...came back and she just went off on me saying i have too many problems to deal with to be in a relationship...all this shit...MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG...i didnt do anything!!!! then she hung up on me....i havent heard from her since. that was 3pm today. (wednesday) what the fuck do i do?

i cant hurt him...ill go to jail...mainly because i will not stop hitting him, and i will black out like every other time .... hes not worth it, but at the same time, thats the only way to get my point acrossed....he wont listen, and if i see him i wont be able to hold my self back... and as for her, i cant even fathem how she does this....up until nick dissapeared in the start of this shit, she was nothing but sweet, and loving....he fucking brainwashed her or something... this im sure doesnt seem like such a big thing , but this the best i can type it out... i lost my g/f and my bestfriend and im alone in the cold while they dont even care....how could they do this to me? ive done nothing to deserve this...how the hell am i supposed to get over this? im so fucking alone

13 comments|post comment

update for today yo... [13 Nov 2004|08:43pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

okay, so, i have no internet yet...i havent been on and it will continue to be like that until we get it..lol. I moved into my new apartment with Josh on the 8th, and its a really badass apartment...the clubhouse pool and fitness center arent done yet so thats shitty but yeah i t will be..

so Billie and I are pretty much a couple now..Shes a cool chick and fun to be with so hopefully this stays at a good comfort zone for both of us.

I went and Played at the official HALO 2 Microsoft XBOX tournament at GAMECRAZY where josh works, and i WON THE ENTIRE THING....so yeah, out of the 60 ppl who were involved , i beat that ass. hahah, i was supposed to win all this shit including the new halo but bill gates when cheapass on us... I wont a xbox tshirt and an xbox hot...woo fuckin hoo...well, atleast i showed them im the shit at halo..lol This is the third tournament ive been and won the whole thing so im 3 for 3...woo hoo. not too many ppl can stand up to that here. im a geek sorry.

The grudge sucked...there was only one freaky part in the movie, but if you ask me the whole movie was a masked ripoff of the movie DARKNESS FALLS...alot of similarities...anyway, yeah...im good on the update for now... ill hit this up soon as i get access again!

10 comments|post comment

YEAYA [05 Nov 2004|01:22pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I'm 22 TODAY !! Woot woot, celebration bitches

10 comments|post comment

yeah so Indianapolis is boring. [01 Nov 2004|02:10pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Halloween was pretty fucking lame...I didn't see ANY ppl dressed up anywhere...ww (me, billy, jamie, and nick) went downtown and drove by some places i knew were supposed to have parties...well, turns out everyone had them on Saturday and not on halloween. So, yeah, nothing much exciting...we ended up going to a pool hall and shooting pool for a while and that was about it...yeah, it sucked this year...i hope everyone else had a better halloween.

Oh , and i went and watched the movie "SAW" the other night and yeah, its NOT THE SCARIEST MOVIE of the year...in fact, its not scary at all...the previews really make it look like its going to be nuts, but the only part that really blew my skirt up was the ending...everything else was good too but just not scary one bit...the movie was very suspensful and the acting couldve been better i must say...and shit, Danny Glover is in the movie..lol, i didnt even know that until it started ...

2 comments|post comment

ok this sucks. heh [31 Oct 2004|12:57pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Well, the last few days I've been hanging out with this girl Billy...yes her name is billy. Anyway, she's smart, gorgeous, sweet, and I like her. We hooked up (no no, not sex..too soon for me) and now, were pretty much together...good right? yeah, of course, but there are some things that make it complicated..we've hung out a few time through the summer, and now its much more often - especially with each other in interest.

We were talking real late lastnight, and she is such a beautiful person...such a kind heart, and she was pretty much just pouring it all out to me in the open...she says she never does that. Well, she did, and I find out she has recently been diagnosed with cervical cancer...(this scares me) , I can wait for sex....heh, ive done that enough times.. (waited forever) b/c i respect and really care for the person unlike most that just want one thing.. so, thats not a big issue for me really.. but, im just worried for her, and hope she can get all the treatment she can b/c this is no joke.. I dont know what this post is for really, just me venting I guess.

I know that this can be treated and completely fixed with the right medication and treatments... if its not, it can spread causing more cancerous cells which is no good.. I'm not really going anywhere with this..just thinking... She said she might be taking this operation of some sort around christmas time which should ultimately eliminate everything. I hope thats the case...Shes been throug hell with her last boyfriend and from what ive been told I can only hope this gets fixed so she can start fresh and move on a happier life...even if her and I arent together by that time, i hope all is well with that...she has to stop smoking b/c most women who get this typically smoke...so, thats another task to tackle to help this whole thing...okay im done rambling.. Ill update more later on this.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I have no idea whats going on for today/night, but, I hope some parties or something...I was invited with sahar and some others to go to the Jager party downtown and a few other places but im not sure where anyone is... i have to find out huh... well thats it for now..

Take the quiz: "What Kinda Kiss R U?"

Tender Kiss
The tender kiss is the feeling where you can be anywhere and show your feelings.

Well, fuck, I am just a big softy huh...wtf!

2 comments|post comment

My 22nd B-day , Halloween, funny sex facts, and more... [27 Oct 2004|01:53pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

For Halloween, Dystalis was invited to an Official Jager party downtown indy...Sahar invited me and some other friends of theirs' and it shall be a loong drunkfilled night... I was going to dress up as Arnold S. - him as the governator and all but the mask wasnt comfortable and I couldnt breathe or see for shit!! So, I am going as the Punisher. good enough ;)

I turn 22 on November 5th !! woot woot. Celebration bitches.. Gonna drink all night long ...yeaya

I signed a year lease at Deer Chase apartments by Deer Creek (Verizon Wireless Music Center- Venue) last week...

I move in on Novemeber 8th with Josh...its a 2 bdrm, 2bthrm, full kitchen, dining room, living room upstairs apartment with a balcony... nice. Its a pretty decent size, not as big as I hoped but its brand spankin new...not even finished yet...the entire complex is just being built so its all good ... has 24hour fitness center ,a big ass computer lab thingy with cable internet on all pcs, big hot tub, pool, and other shit..

I'm on my winter seasonal layoff until March, and am about to start collecting some money from that for 2 months, but I am finding another job in the meantime until March when I go back to work. If the new job is paying more than hell yeah I wont be going back....

I'm kinda bored lately , with the exception of a few good concerts in indy... hopefully, with a new job, and this new apartment, life wont seem so blah... I didnt really want to do this b/c now im stuck in indiana for a year unless I get some badass job in what i went to college for in Chicago or California... then, hellz yeah im breaking that fucking lease...hah. that and if Dystalis or any other bands I help gets signed, i will be going on tour...which is not really far fetched in all reality...That and if Xero Sum wants me to play bass for them or whatever, they need to make some Damn effort to TELL me to get to practice so it can happen...if it clicks, then I will stay regardless...so lets hope!

thats about it for the moment. ill post more bitches!



oh and this tid bit on SEX...you know you all want to hear about it...stolen from "x burnt vacant red x"

Sex sex and more....SEX

When sexually stimulated, males under the age of forty are capable of achieving an erection in less than ten seconds.

According to a U.S. market research firm, the most popular American bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.

A recent survey reveals condoms are the most popular form of contraception: 65 percent of people choose them, while 22 percent use the pill.

Younger people are more likely to use condoms, with 75 percent of people under 16 and 73 percent of 16- to 17-year-olds choosing them as their main method of contraceptive.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The vagina and the eye are self-cleaning organs.

There are more than 90 deadly STD’s.

Vibration placed on the face and forehead daily will help prevent sinus infections.

Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.

The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.

35f men are unhappy with the size of their penis.

It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.

The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.

Left testicles usually hang lower than the right.

According to the World Health Organization, there are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.

In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed. Few people know that this is what the double dong dildo was modeled after.

Eight percent of us have regular anal sex. The other 92 percent have irregular anal sex.

The Viagra Diet! Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, and pumpkin pie. Homer Simpson must be one horny fellow.

A healthy man can produce 70 million sperm everyday. But don't be too impressed, a guinea pig makes about the same.

Cold showers don't dampen overactive libidos, on the contrary, they stimulate your sex drive. An English study, undertaken for thrombosis research, found cold showers improved circulation, strengthened the immune system and led to a heightened sex drive. The cold water appears to increase testosterone levels in men and oestrogen levels in women.

A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.

Sex on an inclined surface builds endurance.

The average person will spend approximately two weeks of their life kissing. The above average person spends two months, while the very below average spends about two minutes.

A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

A small flacid penis generally has a greater percentage of increase to it's erect size than a large flacid penis.

In a males lifetime he will ejaculate aproximately eighteen quarts of semen containing 1/2 trillion sperm.

Recent studies have shown that 10 percent of adult women have never expericenced a orgasm. how sad for them.

The average circumference of the erect penis is 9.5cm (or four inches).

Ultrasound tests have revealed that male fetuses ave the capability for erections in the last trimester of gestaion.

The origin of the word "ejaculate"is from a Latin word ejaculari, meaning to "throw or shoot out".

The average ejaculation will produce approximately 5ml. of semen (about one teaspoon)

Approximately one hundred calories are burned during intercourse.

Enough sperm to form a object slighty larger than a asprin would be sufficient to give the Earth its present population.

The number of female ova to accomplish the same task would fill a large chicken egg.

One female in one thousand is born without a uterus.

The funtion of pubic hairi is to act as an "odor trap" for secretions released by the apocrine glands located in the pubic and armpit areas. Once the secretions are released, the hair traps the scent, enabling it to linger and act as an erotic stimulus to the opposite sex. Incidentally, women possess 75 percent more scent glands than men.

A substance found in male sweat is molecularly similar to essence of sandalwood.

Intercourse lasts an average of ten to twenty minutes.

During intercourse, the male thrusts an average of sixty to one hundred and twenty times.

In the study of sexual human responce, the laboratory research of Masters and Johnson included observation of over ten thousand episodes of sexual activity.

Research done by Dr Winnifred Cutler, a specialist in behavioral endocrinology, indicates that women who have intercourse at least once a week are more likely to have normal menstrual cycles than women who are celibate or who have infrequent sex.

Back in 1919 the Russian transplant pioneer Serge Voronoff made headlines by grafting monkey testicles onto human males.

A orgasm lasts approximately 3 to 10 seconds, and the orgasmic contractions of both men and women occur at intervals of 0.8 seconds.

During orgasm, the heart averages 140 beats per minute.

Testosterone, a hormone most commonly associated with "maleness", is produced in lesser quantites by females and is responsible for the sexual desire of both sexes.

The pH of the vagina is 4.0 to 5.0 - fairly acidic.

Female-producing sperm bearing a Y chromosome survive best in a acidic evviroment, while male-producing sperm with an X chromosome prefer an alkaline one.

The lenght of the average erect penis is approximately 12.5cm. to 17.5cm., or between five and seven inches.

Scientists have recently discoverred that an essential protein of sperm which enables it to bind to the egg, is molecularly similar to snake venom.

Research has discovered that women also experience periodic nocturnal genital arousal similar to the pattern of men during REM sleep.

Couples attempting to conceive average five and one-half months of unprotected intercourse before succeeding.

The female egg measures 1/175 of an inch and is visible to the naked eye, appearing slightly smaller that the period at the end of this sentence. In fact, it's the largest cell in the human body.

Pregnancy can significantly alter or dimish the sense of smell, which leads credibility to the long held belief that it creates strange food cravings. Studies have shown that the sense of smell may be two thousand times greater before pregnancy than during it.

The average menstrual flow consists of approximately 50 to 175 cc, or 1/4 to 3/4 cup of blood and tissue.

Except among some higher primates, humans are the only mammals who engage in face-to-face intercourse.

Humans also engage in more copulations per conception than any other primate.

"Passion Purpura" is the medical term for a hickey.

Aphallatosis is a mental disorder resulting from a lack of sex life.

The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female.

The clinical term for hairy buttocks is "Daysypgal.''

For every 35 pounds of weight a man carries over his ideal weight, his penis will appear to be one inch smaller.

2 comments|post comment

[13 Oct 2004|01:42pm]
[ mood | bored ]

(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(_) kissed a member of the same sex
(_) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been in a fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
(almost) been arrested
(x-was strange too) made out with a stranger
(_) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(_) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
(_) cut myself on purpose
(_) seen someone die
(x) had a crush on one of my Live journal friends
(x) Slapped someone I loved
(_) Been to Canada
(_) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(_) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the Internet
(_) had partially nude/nude photos taken of yourself
(x) been in an abusive relationship (emotional)
(_) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(_) tried killing yourself
(_) taken painkillers
(_) intentionally burned yourself
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

First best friend: Joseph Ianole (Kindergarten;Haddonfield Friends, New Jersey)
First car: '94 Geo Tracker
First real kiss: Gia Diambrosia (Italian chick)
First break-up: Same
First screen name: defton1030 (oldschool aol - haha still have same sname)
First self purchased album: deftones (demo in 92- from Cali.)
First pets: Rabbit named (Roxy), and a dog named (Nikki)
First piercing: 2 in left ear (1st grade)
First true love: Lauren Guilkey

7 comments|post comment

DAMN...I haven't been here in MONTHS. [08 Oct 2004|12:13pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

well, hmm...how to update this old thing of mine. I don't really ever go on here anymore...I have been posting on Myspace as of lately but not too often.

Let's see..

I worked at TRUGREEN CHEMLAWN (landscaping) from July to just about now...I'm getting my voluntary Lay-off since the season is pretty much over. I will be on unemployment until about late January/early February making about $350.00 per week until I start working there again , which I'll then make anywhere from $450-600 a week....good money I guess for Indiana. I was making that much until now, but all the money I made went straight to Credit Cards, and various other bills, so unforunetly the 3,500 dollars I had saved in only 2 1/2 months...is obsolete. yeay for money. haha fuckin guy.

while im on my lay-off, I will have time to make all my plans come together as best as I can. I was supposed to play BASS for XERO SUM , but , I don't think that is happening anymore...ehh, it's okay...I'm a vocalist or guitarist at heart anyway. that , and they're not emotional enough for me.

I was supposed to get this apartment In August originally...well, Since it's a totally new development, the construction kept getting things delayed...it's pretty much set in stone that I finally can move in within the next 2 weeks. about fucking time man. This vagabond shit is not me at all.

I don't have much going on right now...In fact I'm quite bored, but I am trying my hardest to stay content with whatever my situation is and think for the future...dwelling is a thing of the past. I have been sending my resume like fucking crazy to labels,studios and yada yada...i think i aam pretty much fucked until I already live in the area I apply for...moving expenses are probably the thing that is fucking me into staying in this beautiful boring state of cows and fields. mwuahaha

I'll post updates randomly time to time, but not too often on this one.

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long time no see... [17 Jun 2004|12:54am]
[ mood | drained ]

hmm, i havent updated in some time.heres the outline so it doesnt end up a fucking novel.

*been fucked over by katie, my "friend" dustin is now with her, and i havent been calling any of the crew since, b/c its not only awkward but it also hurts. But, I am going to approach it in a diiferent way now...I know his band will be picked up once this new ep is released, and if so, i get to go on the road..Ill use this situation to my advantage. (much more deep and crazy things to it but yeah..)

*lets see, got rehired at Sam Ash, but they wouldnt give verification of employment so i couldnt get my apt. i had been long awaiting. That, and Jsh decided he wanted to get a place by himself and but yet he can barely afford splitting rent with a roomie...? hmm, shady.

*so that same day started back at samash, i left... Got hired the same night at UNOS....went there the next week, 4th day of training, the manager was a spoiled cocky lil shit, and only a year older than me....well, he rubbed me the wrong way. so peac out...

*got hired at Deer Creek (Verizon Wireless Music Center). I will be running sound (assisting), setting up stage, and doing security on off days at the Venue. All national tours roll through there daily- so, I intend on making great contacts, and getting the fuck out of indianapolis. Hopefully back to LA with Antium (live sound touring co.) but, for now, work my way up to that point.

*staying with my Friend Nick right now...moved out of joshs end of may... im here to probably august something..then hopefully by then i can get that apt.

*been going through rought times, and few good times too..

*said farewell to Paradox44 at their last show @ Emerson...It was a damn good show...probably their best set ever. I will miss them as p44. Atleast each member has something to move forward with though.. bands/family.


PARTY JULY 9TH (tentative date)
*Organizing a party for Nicks Post Graduation. July 9th, I have two bands booked to play his party. (Dystalis, Xero Sum) go figure... I tried getting Burn The Red Sky (bind) o paly but josh said theyll have their shit in the studio all month...sucks, but theyre still showing up which is cool. If you are an indy metal band and want to play at a kegger for fun...hit me up defton1030@yahoo.com. Its tentatively set for JULY 9TH (Friday) around 5pm-whenever ppl leave. compensation consists of food and beer. sorry not a paid deal, just a fun time.. hopefully thats enough. Wed love to have a few more bands play..let me know please !!


*thats about it. Nothing great...not with anyone , going insane, um , wasting away, but having fun at times. yeay. thats my update hope you like it. haha

8 comments|post comment

[08 May 2004|01:08am]
fuck you
3 comments|post comment

[07 May 2004|12:16pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Yesterday, picked up Dustin, went over to Uno's and submitted my application. They said they weren't hiring...which is absolute bullshit, since Megan, a friend of mine- works there and said they are definetly hiring..I don't know what that is about. Anyway, I submitted it, Megan said she'd get me a job. Hopefully.

That, and Gabe got a reference call for me at Chilis (82nd street). I also know a girl, Heather, that works there. I put in an application there, over a week ago, and they "weren't hiring"...But, since she must've said something, they gave my references a call...hmm, so, I hope I get a call from that too.. That's it on the job search at the moment...Im kinda get overwhelmed with being you know...rejected from this many places thus far...thats pretty bad.

Best Buy calls me and says: "Hi, I'm calling to let you know, we got your application. At this time, after going through your application; I decided that you won't fit what we are looking for right now." so i said "Okay, thanks, but, what is it you're looking for?" and then she pretty much repeated herself in different words...so yeah, fuck best buy.

After we went to Uno's, we swung over to Sam Ash for a minute to talk to Gabe. Then, we drove down to Bloomington to help Katie move her stuff out of her Sorority house at IU. Drove back to her house, and yeah, she has a beautiful place. I was impressed. She would like my house, we have similar houses...weird.

Which reminds me, My mom and Step pops are going to Portugal, Spain for how long I forget (but will find out), and that means my mom's house will be free to party...They live on the lake, we have a pontoon boat which holds 16-20 ppl, 2 wave runners, hot tub, awesome view, pool table, and the perfect party house. hmm, I hope I don't go all out too much... I will talk to my mom about having ppl over, shell be cool with it, and will probably just tell me to make sure were cleaned up in time before they get back so stepcock wont throw a fit.

Tonight, we're having a cook out over at BIRDY's...Being that Katie is only 19, once again, she cant go in until her band plays, and onece they're done she has to go outside. Sucks, so we decided to havea cookout so she wont just sit there...Her band goes on last or something- it's Femal Fronted friday at birdy's. Come out if you're in the area. If not, no biggy.

Tomorrow, we're having a big Cookout, probably with a keg or so and lots of food over at Dystalis'/Xero Sum's practice spot...That should be fun.

Sunday is Mother's day...So, I will be with my mom. Probably going to Lee's mom's for lunch and sitting there, bored while they have long boring conversations about things I have no interest in...haha im going on 22, and I sound like im some kid who has to chill with the grownups...No, they are just boring ppl. Nice, but boring. I have absolutely nothing in common with His family at all.. Unfortunetly, my whole family is in New Jersey. So yeah...Then my Mom, Lee, and I will probably go to a movie or something after...depending on whether they get in a fight or not. Hopefully, Sunday is good the whole time not just fragments.

Wren will be here sometime tonight, he wants to hang out, but I have these 3 days pretty much swamped...which is a good thing...but, I asked him to come to the cookout tomorrow since hes only 20 and cant go to birdys tonight.. Hopefully he comes.

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[06 May 2004|01:37pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

The other morning, I ate breakfast with my ex- Luaren.. It was nice seeing her, and catching up. It be nice to hang out with her a lil more. It's strange, I can be just friend with her, and its not a problem...Actually, Im not really attracted to her anymore. She looks like a totally different person than when I was with her back then.

So, like I said, I was going to test my friendship with Katie and them...I left that day, as posted last post- and I didnt say anything, just left..They didnt know until 10 minutes later or so I guess.. An hour later Gabe called me and askwed why I left. I just told him I had shit to do , and didint feel very social..which was true but not why i left. Then, Katie e-mails me and asked why i left, didnt say bye, and that she didnt like me doing that.. I guess she does care...somewhat. Then I replied to some of the email but didnt mention anything about me leaving.she replied and asked again why i did that...i still didnt answer. lol.. She called later in the day, and asked what happened and that i shouldnt do that b/c its not cool to just leave and not say anything..That was my opportunity to tell her everything, but my friend was in the car, and i didnt want him to have to sit through it all, and id rather tell her alone in person so she cant exit the convo. without reason.

So yesterday, I decide to eat with Katie, Gabe, and Megan at Perkins in Castleton...weird two days in a row eatin there...just different locations. Anyway, it was good. I had pasta before I met up with them but I ended up eating some maz. sticks and a coke.

Loaded up the gear, and headed over to the Patio...unloaded the gear, Then Dustin calls me up saying i "was supposed to" pick his ass up on the way to Castleton...well, I couldnt know that if HE DIDNT CALL me...haha . He said he called the house but no answer..."well, call my cell"..."i lost the number"..yea that sounds about right..Picked him up...went back to te show.. Xero Sum drawed first, so they opened the show...There were 5 bands playing. Xero Sum placed 2nd, and is moving on to the next round...Theyve been winning each battle and moving on...thats a good sign for things to come. I got some footage of the show, as well as Justin got some with his hooked up pro gear...he worked for Fox59 for a while, and does that shit on the side for a living so yeah it will be good.

Reminds me, I got to watch a 2 minute preview of the Bowling night we had last Friday. Wow, we were drunk. I cant wait to see the whole raw footage...its like 45 minutes or so.

Today, I have to swing over to Unos and talk to Megan about getting me a job as a host. they start at 8.50 an hour which isnt bad I guess. I also have to call up Dustin, and pick him up- head over to Brians...Were going to help move Katie out of her dorm at IU. That should be fun. Probably go out to eat before or after...Im looking forward to the 3 1/2hour round trip ..

Thats about it..Oh, Wren- my best friend that i was rooming with at College in Chicago...Hes moving out of his place very soon, and moving into a 3 bedroom. Him and his current room mate - Tony Mecca (im dan mecca) weird...said they are going to have to pay 450.00 a piece a month for rent..It comes out of their student loans so its not too bad...He said I could move in for free until I get a job and whatnot. Thats very nice of him and all that, but I HATE THE WEATHER THERE...yeah, id love it there the whole summer and some fall, then id kill someone once winter hit...so i doubt ill do that..it be nice though, I didnt have a problem living with him before.

If I get a job...hah the job serach has been bumped up to 27 apps...can you believe that. still nothing. Anyway, if i get a good paying job, I can get an apartment with Josh over in Fishers...589 a month 2bdrm 2bth 1049 sq.ft.. not bad.

i dont know.. heh , whatever.

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[03 May 2004|10:34pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I've counted how many places ive applied to...25, and not one has hired me yet. I had 6 interviews thus far, and each went well until they said "we would love to have you work here, but you don't have any experience as a server." aka get the fuck out you piece of shit, you suck. How can I get experience if I cant the first time done? What sucks the most, is that all 25 places, are HIRING...and I have only gotten 6 calls and they didnt go well. what the hell.

I went by Xero Sum's practice...Just b/c, I was in the area...really, I was. And of course, Katie was there and she gives these big hugs and is all excited when she says hi to everyone right...well, not me. It's very weird. I get there and she doesnt even say hi, and then I start to talk to her, and she says something all smartass to me...I know she was kidding , but the look on her face when she said it was like "You're an idiot Dan"....jokes have truth to them, even if it's just a little bit. She constantly has something to say to make a joke of what i say or do.. she thinks its in good fun, but , I dont. I play it off, but it hurts. Ive been nothing but nice to her, and her band.

She'll hang out with Brian from Dystalis, and all of them all the time...But, she wont ever hang out with just me....Shell call them , she wont even call me back... she goes there without them asking to...never been to my house... I ask to go out to lunch or whatever with her, and she never gets back to me anymore, but then, Ill see her and she will mention a story of how her and Brian went and did this, or ate there or whatever....I'm almost 100 percent positive nothing is there between them more than friends...I know this since im not ego man or conceited ...shit im the most insecure person i know, but I know that im much better looking than this guy...hes nice guy but, damn im light years past him. What bothers me, is that he knows/knew that Katie and I were "something" and saw us kissing, saw us holding each other, yada yada...many times before it stopped...now hes supposed to be my friend right? I even had a long talk with him and Dustin about her before ANY OF THEM KNEW HER...BEFORE THEY EVEN MET HER....about how much i thought of her and all this shit.. Why the hell has he been trying his hardest to be with her alot... I know she has no feelings for him that way at all..but i know he does. He makes it obvious and its very hard to not just go off on him.. I thought he was my friend. But yet he does these things in front of my face...yeah. fuck him.

I've gotten absolutely nothing in return for what ive done, not even respect or consideration.. let alone, friends that they claim to be..especially on her part. So, when she made the remark...I just got stunned and felt dumb, didnt know what to say b/c i wouldve said something that had been building up which in turn would show her a side of me she wouldnt want to see...Nor, would I want her to see. That would totally fuck up everything even more. So, she walked in the other room not knowing it bothered me, and i debated fora few seconds to go downstairs where she and everyone else was, and then I decided...No, I'm leaving, and im not saying goodbye or anything.. So I left...She hasnt called to see why I left or why i didnt say anything before i left...obviously i mean nothing.

I feel like such an idiot when im around them anymore..especially her. Shes always making jokes about whatever i say.. and It's annoying and more so upsetting. Thats why i dont say anything anymore. I honestly just feel like im litterally stupid..I dont feel like myself around her or them, and its not a great feeling inside. I have come to the conclusion, that im going to try my hardest to not see her or them for a while...It will be hard since im always in that area for other things..

But, Im going to test my friendship with her and them...and if there ever was a feeling for me, maybe shell call. In my mind, Im pretty sure she wont ever call me again. I dont know what the hell went wrong or what the hell i did...but im just a joke to her now..The only time she talks to me is if its about the website or her band... thats all i am to her anymore. how good does that feel.. i feel used.

oh and my xbox, yeah...its a fucking piece of shit...freezes every 5 seconds whether its an XBOX GAME! or a movie....WTF waist of fucking money... I just got a new game in hopes to cheer myself up for a few hours, and it wont even get passed the first level without fucking up a millions times...what the fuck.

okay, so this is strange...my ex wants to get breakfast with me tomorrow morning at Perkins...I need to company, and it be nice to see an old face that knows me..I know its just a friend thing, which is FIINE by me...one, I've been over her for a year now, and weve remained friends and cool with eachother since.. two...i have no feelings like that at all for her..cant after all she put me through..and finally, most importantly, i have my current puppet master to worry about..(katie) i cant just drop her...why!?!?!?!

a perfect song to how I have been feeling this month.


There are times
when I'm just a shell
when i do not feel anything for anyone
all i feel is hollow and bruised
used up and mis-used
forced to be someone i don't want to be

have i failed somehow or some way
will the weight of today
finally pull me down to drown
in the depths of despair
where i am alone
except for my rage?

my rage...my pain...
i hate my darkest days

everything, I touch, I break
everything, I touch, I break
and I break, you, down

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[02 May 2004|11:06am]
[ mood | bored ]

I got that Motor Millions thing in the mail...That was fast, I ordered it monday and go it Thursday.

Friday night, we did the bowl off thing. There were 12 ppl bowling, 6 vs 6. I ended up on Dystalis' team. We lossed. I didn't help much b/c I was wasted, as well as everyone else. We have it all on tape, which will later be edited annd put on both Xero Sum' and Dystalis' dvd's that will be out later in the year some time. It was pretty fun. I spent about 45 bucks at the bar, I bought katie a few long island ice teas, and myself a bunch of beer. I know I know...why do I still try to be nice with her, I dont know...

After the bowling match, we randomly decided as we were driving to go to the Cozy Downtown. So, we get there and the show is pretty much over since its late already. They still make us pay 5 dollars to get in even though all 4 bands were already done playing pretty much. That's some bullshit. Anyway, Spil was the over all winner of that battle- which came to no suprise to me. I would've liked to seen them play though, I haven't seen spil play in a while.

Then, we go back to Brian's and I was going to crash there, but at this point it was just me, katie, Gabe, and Brian. We just sobered up and then drove home.

I get home to the glass door for the front door being locked.. I have a key to the front door of course, but not the glass door. It's about 3:45 am and I didnt want to wake anyone up...So I slept in my car.. It was a bit cold and raining outside which sucked... I woke up to my cell ringing arounf 9:45am...I come to and realize i did sleep in my car, and I was freezing. I go to the front door again, and its still locked... I then ring the door bell and call the house...nothing. Turns out, at 8:30am they left to go do some early chores. They drove right by me, and didnt see me in my car. I left a message saying that the door was locked on the glass door too, so I couldnt get in....They didn't remember to unlock it earlier.

So, thankfully, I had brought overnight stuff, and I went to my mom's.. We were planning on meeting at the mall at 11:30am anyway. So I get there, and no ones home so I call mom let her know what I was doing and she was at the gym working out. I get showered up brus my teeth yada yada... Went down to the mall and my mom decides she wanted to buy me alot of clothes ...nice clothes too. She ends up spending 500 bucks on me...WTF? where did that come from... She said we were getting me an outfit but damn. We used to go out and spend alot 2 times a year ...but as I get older it pretty much stopped. This was the first time in about 3 years that i got a lot of cool shit at once. I pretty much got everything from band shirts to Structure clothes. All in all, made out pretty well.

Last night, I drove down to Muncie with Dystalis. They played at the Muncie Music Center as they call it...I call it Ball State's cafateria since that is what it is. And a dinky stage. ONSET played first, and they were pretty good, then Dystalis played..Good show despite the SMAAALLL crowd. I guess they didnt promote the show at all? I mean damn we were at a campus and I've seen bigger crowds at house parties. Fun either way though.. Went over to Pizza King, and ate. Then I drove home. Here I am now, bored.

Still dont have a job, but Tomorrow, I am going back to each of the million places I applied to find out whats going on. Also, theres this Italian Rest. Trios by my house..Theyre hiring so yeah...Im going there today.

2 comments|post comment

[29 Apr 2004|10:16am]
[ mood | calm ]

Yesterday, I went over to XeroSum's practice, then me, Katie, Gabe, Megan, and Brian all went to a japanese resturaunt in Castleton...I forget the name, and no it wasn't Pf Chang's even though I do like that place. The food was good, but, it was my 4th meal so I pretty much wasted 16 bucks...Its ina doggy bag at Brians, which I forgot to take home. I wonder if it will be good today? I got Steak Teryaki and steamed rice with all the other shit they give you.

After we did that, we swung over to the Patio, and pretty much didn't go in at all since Katie is only 19 and they wont let her in unless her band is playng...so yeah, that was alright...We did get to hear Shadeland play from outside, and they sounded good. They gave me a copy of their ep which im listening to right now.

Went back to Brians again, ande hung out for a few before everyone went home.

Today, I'm going to lunch with my mom at noon, so I actualy forced mysef to get up and i am ready with an hour and a half to spare. Usually , id wake up late ad be rushing...hah, but I get that from my mom. So, i'll be getting there on time and she wont even be close to ready probably. It will be nice getting together with her. We don't spend much time anymore ever since I went to Chicago for college, then moved to la for school. It sucks b/c like I said before, its hard to be with her for lon periods of time b/c it becomes a downer after we get past the catching up part, and move onto problems we have..lol sucks huh.

after that, im going to turn in some of the apps i didnt get to do yesterday.

LATER...like 11pm or so, Gabe wants to meet up for the last parts of his band's site im making... http://www.xerosum.net
as if I havent posted that url enough already...

Tomorrow is the DYSTALIS vs XERO SUM BOWL-OFF...Basically, boh bands are bowling against one another..there are 5 members in both bands so thats good match, and they want me to play and another guy were friends with so it will be 7 on 7... we already have reservations at the Woodland Bowl at Keystone...I think aroun 8-close. They want me to play too, but this bowling thing will be on there DVD (both bands), so tey are going to fight over whos team im on b/c i still have yet to be put on one...They want to get it on film /c theyre not fighting for me to be on their team, but for me to be on the other team...b/c i suck ...haha thats funny, b/c we all know im one of the best bowlers that will be there...It will make it funny that theyre arguing for the opposite reason though...That, and we are all planning to get wasted while bowling so it will be fun.

Saturday, Dystalis are playing.. I will probably be there, if I havent heard anything on jobs at that point...I checked my balance....woah...Im freaking out..I had 2100 last month, and i have 750 now...wtf ....i have to stop eating ou so much, and stop paying for ppl beign that i have no job..

Which reminds me, I got offered my job back at SAM ASH the other day, and im supposed to swing by today sometime...they want me to come back Part-time..which, is actually better than fulltime...you dont have to worry about fading really since you dont have a huge base pay...If I can get another decent paying job too, and the schedules dont conflict with each other and the bands i work with , it might all be good..but that will be fun trying to work out.. hah. Im not sure , I think i will go by just to see what the offer is. Probably dick pay but ehh..

6 comments|post comment

[28 Apr 2004|01:13am]
[ mood | sad ]

today i went job hunting crazy...i litterally applied to 14 JOBS! thats insane...you know damn well my hand is tired of writing so much. I better be getting some calls back.

I ordered this motor millions program thing too...its where you find cars for sale and place them in internet adds and listings...when the car sells, you get a portion of the money...u dont use your own money...theres this whole big program being sent to me..you dont have to know shit about cars, and its not too hard..if its real, i could be making bank...and if i do, i am def referring it to others..If not, then i get my money back and say.."that sucked"..and move on with my lil shit life.

I went and met up with an old friend of mine..Ryan. We ate at Chilis, our old hang out spot from High School...It was nicve catching up with him. He hasnt changed a bit, and neither has his life..its like i never stopped talking to him. I guess thats good so it wasnt different, but, i was hoping he had done something since last time we saw each other. I actually realized, I have done a lot in the last 2 years, and its something to be proud of..I wont post what im talking about since some of you may already know..if not, oh well.... It doesnt change how i feel from last post, i am still in the same boat and still in the same situation with the same feelings.

Got my pictures Developed FINALLY from the DEFTONES SIGNING at Tower Records last May....haha i forgot i had the camera and then i stumbled on it and freaked out and drove right to the 1hour photo.. hah Iris, youre in some of them..along with Josh, and Andrew and Cynthia...and of course the deftones are in alot of them. up and close woo hoo. Nothing beats being in their video though..props to me and the others from the teamsleep board who were there! the pictures came out pretty good. Ill get them scanned whenever i can find a scanner. hopefully soon!

in other news, im still sad. yeay for me! woo hoo! I also swung into Sam Ash to see Amy and Gabe...In the meantime, My old manage John Marting asked me to come back atleast part time..i just may do that for money..i need it..bad. that way i can still have a second job. He has to talk with Bob- the store manager but i know i probably can come back since he came to me asking about it..

i need to be in a band..im going insane..I want to sing/scream like i did, but i cant find a band to back me up..everyone thats good is taken in indy, that or they just dont want it bad enough like me.. sucks. I would just switch to guitar, but i dont want to do that until i know i have other ppl going in so i dont waste money on equipment that i dont have at all..

blah. im tired, and lonely..suck my dick , IM RICK JAMES BYITCH!

Thats about it.

7 comments|post comment

[27 Apr 2004|01:09am]
[ mood | crushed ]

ive come to the conclusion that:

-I have no real friends..The ones i thought were friends, betray me in front of my face or behind my back.

-I must be the ugliest motherfucker in the world.

-no matter how hard i try, i dont think ill ever get katie back the way i had her in the start, and i dont even know what went wrong...i atleast think i am entitled to knowthat...

-I am being used by two bands...2 bands in which each member of both bands claim to be my friends other than what i do for their band...But, their actions show different. theres only 1 of them i can say isnt like that...

-i still have no fucking job.

- my mom is sad and depressed- no matter how hard she tries to hide it, i am her son, im not stupid. I want to see her, but every time i do, i just end up leaving later feeling sad b/c i know shes not happy with herself and my step dad...and i know i have let her down being back in indy not doing anything with my schooling..fuck im let down , and its me..

- my dad is in a deep depression again, and on meds again. (he lives in nj so i cant even see him)

- I really have no support to get me going...
- My step dad could care less im alive. I have to be civil with him for the sake of my mom, and its very very hard for me to do that..

-im going broke...my 2 grand is now 900 bucks since ive been unemployed..

-im lonely, sad, depressed, upset, pissed off, every possible negative feeling is runnign through my body...I could care less if this comes off as feel bad for me topic...its a journal and ill fucking say how i feel. thats it. now im going to bed so i can wake up tomorrow feeling the same and wondering why im waking up.

-My friend Joe that was hit by a car...hes doing better but will never play soccer for a team again, let alone get where he was, and where he was definetly headed. That's such a blow to me even..he was the best damn soccer player ive ever met and i used to play for years..

-My other good friend in the east coast was diagnosed with throat cancer and is said to only live for 3 more years..that means hell be gone when hes 28 if that happens...28...how fucking FUCKED UP IS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!';;;;SZZBLOK0R=3
-for some reason , i want to see lauren, my ex...just to see her, someone who knows me...and i just need someone to hold onto all night...nothing more, just a warm body that gives a shit whether or not im there..im so fuicking fucked up right now...

4 comments|post comment

[24 Apr 2004|11:45am]
Lastnight, went over to Birdy's to see PERFECT NOTHING. There were many performers, and I liked a bunch of them, but, I was going there for PN. They put on a good set considering they were pretty drunk, and broke a headstock in the middle of the set...alot of energy none the less. It was a fun show.

Tonight, I'm off to Birdy's...AGAIN...I seem to be going there alot lately. Dystalis and Xero Sum are playing, so being that those are my friends, I will go out there. I was offered to do a live sound gig in Chicago for a 100 bucks but , thats change for what I am worth in engineering. I normally charge atleast 50 an hour. 100 for a whole night isnt worht the drive. Plus, it's a bunch of hip hop acts so it wouldnt be much fun running sound. I'd have to tweak a few things to start, and then I'd sit there the rest of the night. I like hip hop but not enough to do that.

thats about it.
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[22 Apr 2004|06:00pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

went over to the patio lastnight to watch the weekly battle of the bands. it wasnt too bad. I was in and out, mainly went to see Opiate..Gabe's friends' band. They were pretty good. Alot of energy from the guitarist, and the singer had good crowd interaction. slipped over to the Alley Cat for a minute..there was a band playing there..they werent bad, im not huge on punk, but they were alright.

Anyway, i've been down lately..Can't find a job. The ones that are hiring, interview me then never call..thats fine if the interview went bad but they didnt..so thats annoying. I have no place to stay come June 1st, and my 1800 bucks in the bank has been dropping since im unemployed right now. its at about 1 grand. thats not good.

The more I'm around Katie, the more I get confused, and upset..She has no idea, and neither does anyone really other than Josh. I just feel invisible to her at times..not that she doesnt agknowledge me, but she sees me differently now, and i dont know what i did wrong to make her feelings just stop for no reason... its shitty feeling.

Now that my small amount of money is shrinking, I really dont think I can move out to LA now...fucking figures. My only options now that are realistic...well fuck i have none. Not within the time I have. Maybe im blinded by my emotions..all i know is that there is soo much more to what has been going on in my life that i DONT post at all..i just post some things..

You know what really sucks...I found out that one of my close friends from the east coast, has been diagnosed with Throat Cancer...he might not live past 28..He's 25 now. Great. fucking great.

On top of that, my friend Joe, that was hit by a truck, as ive posted before, hes getting better but, will most likely never play soccer again, and if he can it wont be pro like he was so close to getting..life is not fair. it's cruel.

What I hate, is that I know in my heart that if I were to dissapear from everyone I know, and never come back...it wouldn't make a lasting impact. They'd mourn for a short amount of time, and those that I'd wish to care the most, would most likely care the least. But, the hard part on that, is My mom..I know it would absolutely devistate her beyond words, it would kill her. So, that alone, forces me to stay around. I guess that's good, but it's not very comforting that the only person that cares is the one who gave me life..That may sound selfish and wrong, but, think about it...that's not at all how I am trying to think about it. I wish i could just dissapear. But, I'd really like to be able to see how it affects those i care about.

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